"Judgment and curiosity can’t live in the same space. You’re either connecting or disconnecting."
John Kim and Vanessa Bennett
EFR 636: It's Not Me, It's You - Break the Blame Cycle, Relationship Better, and Untangle Common Barriers with Your Partner with John Kim and Vanessa Bennett
What would happen if you approached both your relationships with yourself and your partner through a lens of curiosity instead of judgment and resentment?
Chances are you’d experience more love, comfort, and happiness.
In this episode, John Kim and Vanessa Bennett share their best insights on cultivating a quality relationship with yourself and your partner, the hard work it takes to “relationship better”, and tips and tactics for overcoming the barriers to having a healthy relationship. Most importantly, John and Vanessa talk about the power of approaching relationships through a lens of curiosity instead of judgment.
John and Vanessa, two psychologists, therapists, and life partners are the authors of the new book, “It’s Not Me, It’s You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better”. In its pages, as well as in this episode, the pair analyzes their own relationship to help untangle the common and frustrating barriers many individuals face on the road to a happy, loving, rewarding partnership.
Follow John @theangrytherapist
Follow Vanessa @vanessabennett
Follow Chase on Instagram @chase_chewning
Follow him on Twitter @chasechewning
Key Highlights
John and Vanessa talk about how to constructively call your partner out. The trick? Trying to understand before trying to be understood.
You’ll learn how to open up in a relationship and build trusting communication with your partner instead of sweeping issues and conflicts under the rug.
You don’t know everything about your partner, which is exciting! John and Vanessa break down why it’s important to get out of judgment and get into curiosity and how to go about doing that in your partnership.
Fire needs air, meaning if you want passion, you need desire, space, and an understanding of and connection with the self. If you do things for yourself that excite you, you’ll be more able to be excited by your partner.
Is it okay to fantasize about and be attracted to other people when you’re in a relationship? Tune in to hear John and Vanessa’s answers!
Powerful Quotes by John and Vanessa
Judgment and curiosity can’t live in the same space.
You’re either connecting with yourself or disconnecting.
When I think of what does it mean to be ever forward… it means living a life of fascination.
Recommended Resources:
Buy their book, It’s Not Me, It’s You
Join the 2023 Ever Forward Mentorship waitlist! Email "Mentorship" to chase@everforwardradio.com by September 30th, 2022
More about their work:
"Two therapists analyze their own relationship to help untangle the common and frustrating barriers many individuals face on the road to a happy, loving, rewarding partnership.
Many of the clients who end up in our respective therapist offices thought they were doing relationships right—avoiding the white picket fence, focusing on careers and experiences over babies and legally-binding documents, choosing someone after they “found themselves” first. However, like clockwork, around their early to mid-thirties, these clients show up at our door. Why? For the first time, they realize that they dislike their relationship and are frustrated by their partner but know that another break-up won’t fix things. They recognize a pattern of relationship misery that has them finally looking in the mirror asking, how do you make a relationship last?
It took us many relationships, our own inner self journey (which we’re still on), therapy, therapy school, and helping thousands of people with their relationships, to learn to have better ones ourselves. Vanessa woke up at 31, after ending an engagement and moving to Los Angeles. John thought he woke up at 35 after his divorce. But he didn’t truly wake up until he was pushing 40.
In It’s Not Me, It’s You, John and Vanessa dissect their own relationship to help readers figure out theirs: what their relationships were like in the past, what traumas they carried into the new relationship, and how they work on growing together to foster a healthy and long-term bond.
The surprising truth is falling in love is more about you than your partner. It’s more about challenge and growth than comfort and ease, and roots don’t grow from wishful thinking—they grow in the soil of communication, curiosity, patience, and understanding.
It’s Not Me, It’s You is for anyone looking for real advice on relationships that takes both sides into account and discusses relationships with the honesty and clarity we all need.
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