EFR 515: LGBTQ Pride and How Anyone Can Overcome Otherness, Love Your Authentic Self, and Release Shame with Precious Brady-Davis

Chase: And my first question for you is what is we're right on the tail end of you know, June was Pride Month. Well, you know, here in Los Angeles, we're still kind of extending a little bit further because of lockdown. We kind of missed a lot of holidays. Does this mean something totally different to you right now with, you know, on the coattails of everything that you're going through in the book launch does it just fall differently for you this month this year? 

Precious: It's just so humbling. And for me it feels like an extension of Pride Month of that I've released my debut memoir and for me, I think that that pride is every day, you know, and as a trans woman of color, I don't really have an option to not have pride, you know, for me, like walking outside of my door, I think is an act of resilience and truth and is an act of bravery. But yeah, this feels like a momentous moment in in my life to have just released my memoir, and I love Pride Month, I just got to end pride month by being on stage seeing Chaka Khan perform live, which was like a life moment, and I got to meet her afterwards. So yeah, I'm still celebrating pride month.

Chase: I saw that moment. And I could tell in the caption, and just in the background, you were ecstatic. How surreal was that moment for you? And it's looking like, that's not the only surreal moment you're having now being on tour and just experiencing life in a very, very exciting way. You're surrounding yourself with a lot of people that seemed like you were looking up to your whole life, I saw you were even recording your audio book and similar studios as Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson. I mean, just to be in the presence of so many great monumentous people has got to just like, land a little bit differently now that you're right there alongside with them.

Precious: It is so surreal. And I talk about in my book, I have always been me, I talk about what the song I'm every woman has meant to me, as a child, I walked a picnic table in my backyard, turned it into a stage. You know, when I was a drag performer, I'm every woman was my signature number. And so to stand in the wings and to watch Chaka Khan sing, I'm every woman it just gave me such chills. And it was proof that I'm in the right place of where I am supposed to be. And it's so humbling, you know, to record in the same studio that lady gaga and Michael Jackson did, I feel like I'm in the legendary lane anyway, that that's what I do. But it just felt humbling, and, and such an honor for me to be able to do that. 

Chase: Can you take us back a little bit? What can you take us back to a piece of time, a period of time in your life when maybe this this clarity wasn't so obvious? Can you take us back to when you maybe were just feeling perhaps uneasy or different in your skin, and you just knew that, you know, your life needed to change and you wanted it to change? 

Precious: Yeah, I think about being a senior in high school. And so I was just off of performing in high school, I performed in musicals, and I performed in, in choir, and I wasn't, you know, the best student, I was an average student. And, as you know, as seniors, you know, there's, there's college recruiters who come and they recruit, you know, young people, but I wasn't one of those kids, you know, I wasn't one of those kids, who got like the recruiter visits, 

Chase: like thanks for showing up, but we're gonna pass for now or, you know, participation. 

Precious: I didn't even get it to get that, you know, I was never called down for, you know, colleges, you know, I wasn't being scattered out, you know, for, you know, specific colleges. And I got, but I did get the pass for a program called any town, which was a diversity camp that facilitated conversations with youth all over the city of Omaha. And I'll never forget what that meant to my life. Because at that time, you know, I had started to come into my sexual orientation, and I was greatly involved in my church, and I had disclosed that information to my pastor, and they told me that I needed to get delivered, and that I needed to get saved, and that I that I wasn't gay, and that, you know, was not God's will for my life. And so, being a part of that group of any town, that that diversity conversation, it changed, it changed the course of my life, just because I was so different. I was other and I didn't know what the course of my life would, would take me, you know, higher education was not a conversation, you know, that I that I was having growing up. And ultimately, that's what I went to study in, in college. You know, I studied sociology, and I studied, you know, queer performance and got involved in in social justice. And it really changed, you know, the course of my life. And I think it's sort of like the importance of mentorship. You know, there was guidance counselor you know, that saw potential. 

Chase: Let me so you had mentorship in this organization that I'm assuming you thought you were going to get out of the one you were coming from. And that was your church. Right? Religion, for me is a very curious thing in terms of belonging and acceptance. I'm originally from Virginia grew up in the Bible Belt grew up Southern Baptist. And I know what it means to kind of grow up with that, as your identity not to put words in your mouth. But you know, this is your community, this is who you belong to. This is who is supposed to accept you for 100% as you are and want the best for you. But then when you kind of realize what the best for you is, and perhaps that is not in alignment with that organization did that cause you to crumble at all? Did that cause you to question your faith? I mean, for me, there was a little bit of friction when I was kind of stepping into adulthood will say and in wanting certain things in my life, but still wanting to have that faith aspect. But in my way, did you experience the same thing? Was it a hard separation or what was going through your mind in your life at that time when they perhaps were not accepting you for who you want it to be? 

Precious: Absolutely Chase, it was a long, arduous journey. You know, there were many times in which I, I knelt before an altar and prayed for God to change me. And like you were talking about in in Virginia, in in Omaha, Pentecostal nondenominational faith is at the heart of the culture. And I was ingrained in the culture, you know, I was being reared to be a great televangelist. That is what I thought I was going to be I originally thought that I was going to be a preacher, I thought that I would be a minister of music and that was the that was the one goal for my life, nothing outside of that. And it was so hard for me to not be affirmed, because of one piece of my life. And I was very honest, you know, with my youth pastor, you know, and saying, I'm still struggling with this. And that that's how I was saying, like, that's how they call that I was struggling, you know, with that, and I'll never forget and I talked about this in the book of them saying to me, this is your last chance. And for me, this something didn't sit right with that of the God that I learned about, it was not a God of last chances that the God that I learned about was a God of love. And that's when I decided to never turn back and to never come back after I went to college, I said, I'm not going back to a community that doesn't affirm all parts of me. And even in colleges. You know, once I started college, I was still questioning, you know, the, the multiple, the multiple facets of my identity of whether, you know, God loved me. And once I came into alignment, that I could be a person in the LGBTQ community and that I could still be spiritual that opened up so many doors, for my mental health and for my physical being. But it was a great challenge of so many years, and then ultimately, even to my transness. It is what took me so long to transition. Because I've connected my body to spirituality to Scripture, I thought that if I changed my body that I would be out of alignment with what God was calling me to do and feared, you know, hell and damnation on my soul.

Chase: You bring up a really important word in your journey of not only identity but belonging and just who you are and that's love. I think nothing more in this world matters more than love and that means it in a few different ways. I mean self-love, that means giving it that means receiving it from people and to people that, you know, are deeply meaningful to us and are going to fulfill us and them. And so I'm curious, what was the, I guess the bigger struggle how did you know that you had love in your life? Was it first creating and exploring and solidifying the love for and with yourself? Was it with another person that was loving you for who you truly were and who you were becoming? And where does love fall with you now with the religious community with your with your kind of interpretation now of God and the love that you know that He has for you? 

Precious: I would first say that it was the self-love that I had for myself, you know, this book is called I have always been me. And that's the way that I've always navigated the world, that I've always left places better than I found them. You know, I've always shown up with optimism, optimism is one of the gifts that I have. And I do think that I had community along the way that reciprocal love was shown to me, you know, I talked about in the book of like, what theater did for me, of being a part of a community of folks who loved all parts of me, even the performative aspects of myself, because as a child, those were the parts of me that were policed. And so to be embraced in a theatre community, that will forever be life changing. And, and today, I have the most beautiful unconditional love with my husband, Myles. We've been married for five years, and we have a little daughter, her name is Zane. She, she's 18 months old, and I'm so happy. And I could have never envisioned the life that I have today. 

Chase: I'm so happy to hear that. And it's definitely a beautiful family, you've started now and I can, I can only imagine I'm not a father, yet. I'm not a parent, yet I can only imagine stepping into that role it's what the age old kind of concept that we are going to pour into our children and hope for them everything that we didn't have and allow space and opportunity for them that you know, wasn't made for us. Where are you in kind of that dynamic, it sounds like you have come such a long way and I know that you have from stepping into your identity from stepping out and just creating a whole life for yourself, your true self, are you still kind of more going through that and kind of deciphering everything that you want to kind of deliver and transfer to your childhood or do you feel like you're standing firm now, on this new mountain top and you just know exactly what you want to create this life you want to create for your child?

Precious: I'm standing firm on that mountain top on the life that I'm creating for Zane, you know, that's one of the reasons I wrote this book that I didn't want to pass down the intergenerational trauma, you know, that I inherited. And even you know, the one the last question that you asked me about coming to a resolution with God, you know, of telling Zane that, that God is in everything, and God loves everyone God is the act of humanity and how we treat each other. And so passing that down to Zane. And this book really talks about the ways in which I did not have unconditional love. And I want Zane to know that I will love her, no matter what. And this this life is about empowering her and how Myles and I can create the best life for her. And we already have. I mean, she has everything. Listen, she has all of the toys. She has everything from the time she was very little she has everything. I mean, she's definitely running the roost. I mean, she runs out to living room I mean, she's 18 months, grabs the remote knows how to turn on the TV and wants to watch. But yes, I think it was really about stopping cycles of trauma, you know, in terms of, of parenting, and I think one of the things and in writing my book that I realized is people can't give you what they don't have and I think coming to that realization, I think that was really healing for me.

Chase: I'm so glad to hear that and what you hit on there is exactly what I am most hopeful for in the next generation in general in my next generation and that is this kind of awareness that I think we are having around trauma around small T's big T's, and just what that word means how it falls on people differently and how really not to say that trauma is okay. But like the experience of it is okay in that it is a part of life experience. And this is a part of life experience that we are becoming aware of, and disrupting, and not just allowing to be passed down generation after generation and not just stuffing into a corner under a rug, I am so hopeful for Zane, I'm so hopeful for my future children and the next generation, that they are going to have people like us to maybe not have all the answers, but at least we are posing questions, and we're not just stuffing them down. And I want to just take a moment and just acknowledge our parents and the generation above us. Because I do think in many, many ways they were doing what you're saying, you know, they're just doing the best that they can they're doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. So I'm curious, Precious what are some tools now that you have that you think your parents, the generation above you in that church community lacked? Or maybe you just didn't sharpen often enough that you feel more empowered and just more ready to kind of usher in this next generation? 

Precious: Can I just say like all that was like just so powerful, just like snapped? 

Chase: Thank you. Thank you. It's, I mean, you brought it up. And I would love to just explore deeper, thank you.

Precious: The first thing I want to say is centering mental health, of having mental clarity, going to therapy, let's just start there. There is so much stigma about going to therapy. And when I was growing up, it was ingrained in me of what goes on this house stays here. And that's the problem. You know, and people think that they need to deal with their issues themselves. And if they can't deal with it, that there's something wrong with them. And that's pride. And I think we have to break down that pride and say no, it's, I'd rather see the strength of you go to get help for anything. And I think we all need various kinds of, you know, support in our life, it's like cutting the grass, like you can't cut the grass without like a lawn mower. If you do, it will be extremely difficult and more arduous.

Chase: I've been there. One small, little odd job I have when I was a young soldier in the army, I had the task of cutting the grass out front with scissors, and I can tell you, I would prefer the lawn mower. 

Precious: Exactly. And that and that metaphor alone, it will take you much longer to get that to get the task done. And for me like I'm not interested in perpetuating that, like I would rather like live in the authenticity of have my truth and of my being and having sound mental health. Also, I think we need to have more lines and more conversations across difference. We all don't have to believe the same thing. But we should have mutual respect for one another. I think we do need to increase acceptance across lines of difference.

Chase: acceptance. that's a that's a difficult one for a lot of people. And I speaking personally, I do think and I've seen over the years that this concept you're talking about of just thinking differently, is becoming more I guess mainstream is becoming more tolerable is becoming more just more and but it's one thing, right? It's one thing to say okay, you can think one thing I can think another thing but it's that acceptance component that I personally still see a lot of room for improvement for I think is like the next step. How would you like to see acceptance look and feel like where are you seeing acceptance look and feel right? And where do you see it needing the most room for improvement, you know, and kind of speaking as society as a whole right now?

Precious: I think that in particular, I think that the LGBTQ community has seen lots of great acceptance. That doesn't mean that there still isn't stigma and that there isn't, you know, room for improvement. But I was I was walking down a shopping corridor here in Chicago during Pride Month. And I was looking in the windows and I and I feel like this also can be a double edged sword as well when it comes to visibility. But when I was looking at the windows of the stores, they all had pride campaigns and I thought to myself I can only imagine what that would have meant to little me, of going to the mall and seeing all of these campaigns and clothing, celebrating the LGBTQ community, I think you know that that can be a double edged sword, right with the tokenization piece. But for me, I was leaning into the power of the visibility piece 

Chase: if that is visible, it's real. And if it's real, then like, how I must be real to exactly when people see 

Precious: Yes, exactly. When people see themselves reflected, they say I can't be that too. And, and that's the part about it that I think, like inspires me. And I think that there are various denominations out there, you know, that are very inclusive, and, and very, you know, supportive. And I think that there are a myriad of, of trans writers, you know, who are telling their stories, you know, like me writing this book, there are folks in Hollywood who are, are really in the driver's seat, driving narratives, you know, you know, folks like, you know, Janet Mock folks like Zachary Drucker, folks who are really centering the narrative on our authentic experience, when it comes to trans folks, and increasing the lines of acceptance. I think when folks see our stories, I think that we expand that continuum. I think that the more folks who tell their stories, I think that we push progress forward.

Chase: I couldn't agree more. So we'll set as you were kind of talking about that, that storefront experience, it made me kind of think back to, you know, over the years, I definitely think that my eyes, my eyes, and my head and my heart have become more and more and more open and accepting of a lot of things that this life has to offer. And I am very, very appreciative of the early exposure that I had to a variety of walks of life. And in that I mean, like I was saying earlier, I grew up in southern Virginia, Southern Baptist, very, very, very small town, very kind of sheltered. Love, my family loved my upbringing, but I didn't, I wasn't gonna be given a lot of opportunity for diversity in that environment. Let's just say that. And I'm very grateful for the decision that I made to, to kind of get out. And I joined the military right after high school. And in that experience, that was six years of active duty. I was all over the world saw people of all over the world of every race, every color, every religion, and a lot of us were all together. And so I think, a 17-18 year old self, that kind of passively opens your eyes up to diversity, it kind of puts you into the world of exposure immediately, because you see all these people all different walks of life, but you're all walking together in the same direction, literally wearing the same uniform, same mission. How besides, you know, maybe the military experience how Precious would you recommend or what do you think is a great way for people very early on, if they're not in a big city walking through and seeing a storefront celebrating pride? How can they kind of introduce this exposure to different walks of life and diversity, so that from a young age or as soon as possible, they're just allowing opportunity for awareness to happen? 

Precious: Well, first, I just want to say thank you for your service. I think that is noble anyone who serves. In terms of someone who lives in a small community first, I would say, shine in the places that you can shine in the places that you can be you, be yourself. There, there will be a place that you will find that will accept you in and love you. Get involved in community, find a community that is affirmational. For me, I found it in theater. You know, when I was getting those messages of hate involved in my church, I was going back to school and hanging out with the theater kids. And I felt so affirmed in those spaces, and it kind of cancelled it out. And I think that sometimes, and this is true for a lot of people. I think that college provides a great opportunity for young people to explore, but I think there are lots of support groups online. I think the Trevor Project does wonderful work for young people to find support Miley Cyrus's happy hippie foundation. They have support groups for young people to sign up online and to talk to each other. And I would say find your tribe. Find your find your community and I know it's not always safe shine in the places that you can in whatever that looks like to you.

Chase: shine in the places that you can. I love that. I love that I think there's, there's a person hearing that right now that really needs it. And it doesn't take much in complete darkness. And you may feel that you're in complete darkness in a world all alone, it just takes a tiny little bit of light to completely separate you from that darkness a tiny little bit to just stand out. And so seek that. And that may just be you. But no matter where you are just shine. And that's what we all need, right? We need somebody to hopefully be that first step to be that first spark of light, because they're looking for it as well. Others are looking for it as well, that community is there. But perhaps it's, it's necessary for your courage to happen first, right? 

Precious: Absolutely. And that's and that's why I wrote this book. This book, I've always been me is a testament of resilience. And there was, there was times when I was writing this book that I was saying, this is me. Like, even now, I was just watching a video this morning that my publisher made and just like brought me to tears of this seeing my life's journey of realizing and places that I was the light, and that I had to be the light. And sometimes we don't realize that we are the light. But it's important that you that you be the flame in those spaces, because you never know where that flame can go. Just don't let people put out your light. 

Chase: Absolutely, absolutely. And if they want to learn more about it, they definitely need to dive into the book. And so speaking of I want to ask a question for the person maybe who is hearing about you for the first time or wants to pick up this book, what advice could you pass on to them that is going to help them say the same thing that this is me? What is maybe one or two pieces of information that you poured into the book that really helped you figure out or just stand firm? And this is me? Because that's sometimes easier said than done the journey to finding we're saying earlier, loving us literally what, what are these tangibles that you can pass on to somebody else right now looking for the same thing? 

Precious: The first thing that I would say, I know it sounds so simple, but be you, be you. And that's why the book is called I have always been me because I have been the person that I am now my entire life, even when I didn't have a label. And the second thing I would say is to be fearless, to live life with audacity. And because when you make big choices, life has an opportunity to respond. And when I say to be fearless, I say be fearless. And I think sometimes when we're making big moves, we're scared that we're going to fail, of course, and you will, and you will, there will be times in which you fail. But there are also will be times in which you will succeed. And in my life, I have no regrets, no regrets. And I feel that comparison is the thief of all joy. Sometimes we compare ourselves to others’ experiences. And I want people to know that your journey is authentically your own. And especially you know, when it comes to coming out, come out in your own time. Your journey is uniquely yours and will not mirror my experience whatsoever. But I want you to be able to celebrate and take ownership, that that is your unique journey. And you have the right to celebrate that. 

Chase: When you're describing that I can only I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster that goes through your head in your heart and in your life from that that coming out process. And also going back to the religious aspect I anybody that deviates from, you know, maybe your religious belief or your religious community in that kind of struggle for identity and coming of age, I believe there's another word associated to that process. And that's something that a lot of us can relate to. And that is shame; shame of what I'm doing is wrong, shame of who I think that I am or maybe I know that I am but there's this dichotomy of truth and shame is something that I think is one of the hardest things to shake and people's claim to for years and years. What is your concept of shame around all of this and how would you kind of help navigate somebody through shaking it all, so to speak, because you're, you're speaking the truth in helping us step into our truth. But shame I think, personally is something that a lot of people just can't, can't fling off for a lot of different reasons. 

Precious: Shame is that thing that you have to talk to and say fall off, shame is that that self-talk of, I am not that. It is a continual self-affirmation that you have to have with yourself of, I am not this, this this shame. And I think fighting shame it is a muscle that you have to build over time because there was a time in my life that I would not have been able to share my story, because there are shameful parts in it. And even in writing my book, there were places that I felt shame, but I felt were important. I felt that there were lessons learned, I felt there were places where someone might gain strength from because like we talked about earlier, people say because I can't be too, you know, there were moments of heavy shame. But I push through, I push through that for liberation, to create healing. When we it's about shame is normally tied to fear. There is something in that shame that we are fearful of something that is going to happen. There's like some kind of repercussion that will come from that shame. But we can't operate from a place of fear, I think that holds us back from experiencing life. And that's what this this whole book is about. This book is about healing, and not operating from a place of shame. And I think also, like, I am taking the power out of shame, by speaking the truth. And I think we also that we can do that when we speak wholly, and we disrobe shame of its power.

Chase: Yes. I love that answer. Thank you so much for sharing that. When you were done with your book, I'm so curious when you the last word last sentence, the last period, close the cover what emotion first ran through you? What would experience what memory what was the thing that kind of rose to the top for you? Because that's such a huge accomplishment in writing a book, but also just the nature of what you're talking about, for you and for countless other people that need this work right now.

Precious: Well, for starters, I had toyed with going to graduate school several years ago, and it just didn't happen because I got a really amazing job. It was another opportunity, you know, of life opening itself up and me just going with it. I think I felt a great sense of accomplishment of, of I was overjoyed. And I think something that kept hitting me upside the head was I'm the hero of my own story. And I we don't often talk about that's not something that we talk about, like we often talk about others coming to, to save us, or we talk about the people in our folks who inspired us

Chase: not what the church taught us either.

Precious: Exactly. And also speaking from the time that s from that aspect, the level of spirit that it took for me to write the book, to be in tune to myself, to see the places in which my spirit persevered. It was such a 

Chase: you are divine spirit; you are the Holy Spirit. We all are absolutely and especially in a process like this.

Precious: That's it right there. That we are all divine. And that is that is what I've always been me is about that's what this book is about. And that's what I believe that I believe that I am divinity and that I am a part of the divine feminine. That that's it. That's it right there. Um, but I think for me, what most resonated with me was that I was the hero of my own story. And I don't think we often talk about that enough. When you become your own hero.

Chase: oftentimes, not to downplay anybody struggle in life, but oftentimes when we are living in shame when we are living in fear when we're living in the dark when we are living any other way other than we feel like we want to or should be living, we're often waiting for that hero, right? But how powerful is it when we can realize that, hey, maybe we can be our own hero. In fact, we are. And so just go be the light, like you said, and save yourself sometimes. It's easier said than done, of course. But I firmly believe we can and should always be our own hero first, for ourselves, and for the example of consent for others to, to have that domino effect. Versus it's been incredible having you on I know you're extremely busy today. And I want to give you a few minutes back to your day here before you roll on to the next one. But I think what you're talking about your life journey, and in your new book here, just embodies completely, these two words here behind me ever forward and the whole meaning of the show. And it's a phrase that was set before me by my late father years ago, before he passed away from a terminal illness. And something that he instilled in me growing up of really be your own hero, you know, shine in the darkness, like no matter what you need to just take a step forward. And no matter what you were doing, if it is in the direction of being your own hero, if it is in the direction of your truth, there absolutely is no failure, but you are the only one that can judge that you were the only one that can know if you took action or not if you move forward in life, so I ask this question to my guests all the time at the end so, what does that mean to you Precious? How do you say you will live a life ever forward? What does that mean to you? 

Precious: Living life ever forward to me means forever being in transition. Transition is inevitable. And for me, I'm always changing, becoming a new and that is the story of my life. And who knows what will come next. But I certainly know that it will be precious, and it will be rooted in purpose and passion. 

Chase: There's never a right or wrong answer. I thank you for your interpretation. It's been an incredible having you on the show here today. And we're gonna have all of your information in the book down in the show notes. But if somebody wants to just click off the episode right now and go somewhere, where can they connect with you? Where can they find you online? Where would you like them to go? 

Precious: Absolutely. I love Instagram. You can follow me on Instagram. Precious Brady Davis. You can also check out my website preciousbradydavis.com. You can also follow me on Twitter, Ms. Precious Davis. 

Chase: And I just want to say you know and another big thanks here. You are my first trans guest on the show. And this is a direction that I have been wanting to go at for a while. I've just loved this journey of entrepreneurship and social media and podcasting and all the things but I am just looking forward to expanding my horizons even more like I was saying earlier, like the army did for me now I have to do it for me. So thank you for being this person for me today.