EFR 294: How to Build Strong and Long-Lasting Relationships with Fiachra Figs O'Sullivan

Humans are social beings. The relationships that we create allow us to grow individually. However, building a long-term relationship with someone, be it romantic or not, inevitably comes with obstacles and challenges. When do we push for it to work, and when do we accept that it is not for us?

In today's episode, relationship expert Figs O'Sullivan joins us to discuss the basics of relationship building therapy. He explains how personal development is deeply connected to how we act in our relationship with other people. We also talk about the ways we can make our relationships work through practicing empathy.

If you've been looking for a sign on how to manage your relationships, then this episode will be insightful for you. Tune in to this podcast and start creating better relationships with yourself and your loved ones!

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Here are the reasons why you should listen to the full episode:

1. Determine how the interdependence of people's emotions bond with each other.

2. How can you decide if a relationship is worth fighting for or not?

3. The practice of empathy as an essential step in creating better relationships

Episode resources

• How The Industrial Revolution Ended Naps

• The Place I'll Go Before I Die by Figs O'Sullivan

Episode Highlights

Family Time With Loved Ones

• As a relationship expert, family time and fellowship with loved ones are the essence of Figs’ job.

• He is driven to work because he wants to be a present dad the way his dad never was.

• All the work he has done for himself was so he could be in a long-term relationship and be the husband and father that his family deserves.

• His favorite place to be after a long day is in bed with his wife, their two kids, and their Labradoodle. Being there together, for him, is the closest thing to paradise.

Bedtime

• Up until the Industrial Revolution, it was normal for people to have two periods of sleep.

• They will sleep for 3 or 4 hours, get up for a couple of hours, and work or attend to their duties. Then, they go back to sleep again for 4 or 5 hours.

• Both Figs and his wife work as couples therapists, and this model works for their family.

• They go to sleep with their kids at 8 p.m., and then they wake up at around 10 p.m. until midnight. They make sure to have an hour or more together every night, and then they go back to sleep.

Relationship Building Therapy

• We're all born to be emotionally bonded.

• Our body is hardwired to detect if our primary other is there for us. If not, our limbic system experiences a fundamental threat, and we all protest that threat differently.

• We are the amalgamation of strategies we have to avoid the pain of not being connected.

• People in a relationship co-create an emotional system to make it work. Figs shows this system to them so that they can fight it.

• People’s worst fights and repetitive arguments are evidence of just how important they are to each other.

Personal Development vs. Relationship

• The personal development movement in America started in the 1960s. The idea here is to have self-responsibility, know yourself, communicate who you are, and let people know what you need. 

• The notion that we have to love ourselves first before we can love someone else is not true. 

• We are an interdependent species. By having relationships with other people, we find out the parts of us that need more love.

• The best place to do personal development work and learn to love yourself is within a relationship.

Knowing If a Relationship is “The One”

• When in a triggering situation, the initial response of people seeking personal development is to feel hurt. The second is to see a growth opportunity.

• The first thing to do is to understand your relationship from the perspective of witnesses who see it unfold. This is where couples counselors or relationship experts come in.

• Once your counselor sees the emotional system you’re co-creating and reflect it back to you, you can then see things from the system’s perspective. Through this, you grow your ability to empathize with both you and your partner.

• Sitting in the empathic experience of hurting in the relationship will either draw you closer to each other or make you realize that you're not right for each other.

A Relationship Takes Work

• If you really love each other, you will eventually scare each other.

• When you’re both scaring each other, that's when the war starts.

• When you get in those moments, you need to stay and do the work. Be curious about your partner and the system you're co-creating together.

Practice of Empathy

• A simple way to think of self-empathy is to imagine that there are multiple people inside of you.

• In matters of love, the primary relationship is what matters so much to us. It affects you the most when criticism comes from people you have close relationships with.

• Now and again, add a little empathic voice toward yourself when you don't hit your personal best. It's not possible to always be performing at our best capacity.

• People are going to respond better if you're kinder and more empathetic to yourself.

• Validating your primary partner’s hurting and having more empathy for their vulnerable self allow your relationship to have less suffering.

Fear of Getting Closer to the Truth

• Everybody is vulnerable. Everybody is scared of being abandoned and rejected or feeling too much or not enough for someone.

• Be the one you've been waiting for. Know yourself and your vulnerabilities and then show up and love that part of yourself. That way, you’ll be “the one” for the people who are dearest in your life.

5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

1. “People's worst fights, people's biggest disconnection, (and) ongoing repetitive arguments are actually evidence of just how important they are to each other, not evidence that there's something fundamentally wrong with us.”

2. “Are we coming to the end of this relationship? Or is this another growth opportunity?”

3. “If you really love each other, you're going to get to a place where you scare each other.”

4. “At the end of the day, it's not a sustainable way for the course of an entire lifetime to be beating ourselves up so that we perform our maximum capacity.”

5. On living a life Ever Forward: “What it means to me is to continue to be honest with myself, be curious about myself, look inside, find what the real vulnerability is underneath whatever actions I'm taking, and then be willing and brave and courageous enough to share that vulnerability with the world.”

About the Guest

Figs O'Sullivan is a certified emotionally focused couples therapist and counselor. He is the founder of Empathi.com, which is an engaging online relationship coaching program for couples. As a relationship expert, he acts as a “reflector” during therapy processes to help clients access their inner healing and solutions. 

You can reach Figs on his website. Head over to Empathi.com to know more about their programs.

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